Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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