so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
