Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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