Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize