I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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