just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Life is so much better after having sex.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
