apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize