You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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