I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
