She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
