Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize