The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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