two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
