took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
