I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I am one with the molecules
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
