I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
