i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
