My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
