Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
