Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
