I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
