he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
