Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
