I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize