So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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