Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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