Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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