i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
