I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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