I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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