I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It was confusing and full of hummus
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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