what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
