The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize