Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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