Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
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I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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