You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
