I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
