i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
i now understand why vodka
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
