You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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