i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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