so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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