false alarm. still invincible.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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