I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
