I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
