I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm just crazy horny about you
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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