Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
