im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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