i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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