my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
