it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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