I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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