I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize