i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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