I love black thongs
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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