I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
im holly from the hills drunk
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
