she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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