he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
