Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
