I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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