tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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