She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
