i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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