DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
FUCK WHALES
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
