So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
